March 6th, 2018

I’ve never been one to get all personal and share my feelings to the public eye. For some reason, I keep feeling that I need to let others get a feel for the thoughts that are consistently repeating in my head. I also want people that go through the everyday struggle of losing someone you love with your whole being, to know, I understand completely. I know having someone that can truly understand, doesn’t even begin to help. Although, it is beneficial to be able to talk to someone knowing that you aren’t going to get your basic response from people that have never experienced a true loss.

I fortunately, had never experienced what it was like to feel so empty that you feel like there’s nothing left inside. I had never experienced being in a crowded room full of people that truly love you, and still feel alone. I had never experienced the feeling of being completely helpless, to the point you feel useless to accompany anyone else. I had never experienced a true heartbreak, until it got ripped right out of my body. But, now unfortunately, I have sadly experienced all of these things now. Just like I know everyone else who has lost someone, has experienced these emotions.

I believe one of the main reasons people who have never went through a loss, are oblivious to the difference between a need and a want. See the difference is, majority of people WANT those lost ones to come back. The people that have experienced this mortifying loss, understand that it’s not only a want, but a NEED. It’s not what you do in this life, it’s who you do it with. Needing a person that is gone forever is like drowning in water and there’s nobody there to save you. Needing a person that is gone forever is like needing oxygen to breathe, but there’s no air. Needing a person that is gone forever is like needing water, but there’s a drought.

Were we not always taught growing up that family is everything and more? Try to tell me what to do when what you’ve considered your everything is gone. Within the blink of an eye. I never took the chance to tell Livi how much I loved her. I know she knew, but it’s still not the same. That’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life. If you can’t relate, you would never understand that every morning I have to wake up into a battle. It’s like I’m fighting for my life, but nobody’s even shooting at me. I have Will to thank for my life, he’s what I now call my life saver. If it weren’t for him, I can’t honestly tell you if I would still be breathing on this Earth right now. I am terribly struggling from PTSD. I didn’t want to have to word it like that, but it’s the only way people may take it more seriously.

This part might be too graphic for some to read this next part, but I have to actually live it every day. You would never be able to begin the thoughts that are constantly running through my head. Half of them, I can’t even say out loud to be honest. On March 6th, I was about to head up to Lockport with my friend Coco, because we were leaving to go to Florida for softball the next morning. I didn’t want to leave my car at my apartment complex all week because earlier in the year, my apartment had been broken into a couple of times and I still have a grand worth of my belongings missing to this day. So, I decided I would leave my car at my dad’s the whole spring break, so nothing would happen to it. My dad then drove me back to the apartment complex so I could drive up to Lockport with Coco. To get to my apartment from my dad’s, we had to cross the intersection of Mitsibishi and Raab road. Once we came to a stop at the light, my dad pointed right because there was a terrible accident. I remember thinking to myself “damn, that’s really fucked up.” There was no ambulance there yet. My dad and I saw the scene within minutes after it happened. But, of course, we all live in a selfish world unless it personally affects us. We just drove on like it was nothing. Which everyone is guilty of it, when you see something like that. You see something terrible, feel bad for a second, then you just go on with your life. Because it didn’t affect YOU. Imagine how horrible I felt after that, finding out it was my sister. I didn’t even think to go help. What kind of person does that make me now? Not a good one, if you ask me. Once my dad dropped me off, Coco and I left to go to her house. We had been driving for two hours and were about five minutes away from her house. Then my phone started ringing from my dad, and little did I know I would be receiving the worst news of my life. I can hear the phone call still do this day and I’ll never forget it. I can hear the horror in my dad’s voice as he’s trying to tell me what had happened through all of the tears. He told me Livi was in an accident (the one we had seen), and they didn’t know if they were going to be able to revive her. REVIVE HER? My body went into instant shock. For some reason, I had a feeling she was already dead. I don’t know how or why, I just felt it. My dad told me to call my mom. So I did, and told her that she needed to get to Bromenn because Livi was in an accident. I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth that they didn’t know if they could revive her. I couldn’t do it. So immediately, Coco turned the car around and we started to head back to Bloomington. On the way back, my dad called me again saying they were taking her to the ICU in Peoria. Instant pain sent through my whole body. Once we got back to Bloomington, I made sure to bring Will and Maddi over to Peoria. Fast forward that car ride to the hospital. I was scared to enter that hospital. I didn’t know what the hell I was walking into. I saw some familiar faces when I got there and I could see the look in their eyes. I remember grabbing Will’s hand and we started running through the hospital looking for Livi. We turned a corner down a long empty hallway. I saw my uncle on the phone and he told me I needed to go see my parents. I could see the look in his face. I turned to look down the hallway and all I see is my dad drop to his knees. I already knew the answer. I honestly don’t remember everything, there are a lot of “black spots.” I actually forgot about where I first saw Livi, until my mom and I were talking about it later on and she explained it to me and now I remember. We walked into this room and there Livi was. It looked like a scene from a movie, it was that unreal. There Livi laid, already dead. Blood everywhere. Lots of blood. She was set up in the middle of the room, a bright light shining down on her. I didn’t know what to do. This couldn’t be Livi, it just couldn’t. This couldn’t be my person. I was in disbelief. I wanted to ask where Livi really was and I still want to ask it, because it’s all got to be some horrible joke.

The rest of that week was a daze. I don’t remember who I saw at the hospital, what time it was, if I had anything to eat. Nothing. But what I do remember, is what makes it the worst. I see my sister and best friend just lay there in that bed. She’s only breathing because she has a huge tube down her throat. I see the blood coming out of her mouth. I’m cleaning that up. I see the blood rushing down her ears. I’m cleaning that up. I can smell the horrible odor she gave off still to this day. The worst part is she didn’t even look dead. It was very confusing to me mentally because she looked like she could just wake up any second. But no, she was already killed on impact because someone tried to speed up so they wouldn’t have to wait for the next light. That impatience and ignorance, is what killed my sister. She did NOT pass away. She was killed. Her life was taken from her and she didn’t even get the opportunity to fight because she hit her head on the window so hard. It damaged the part in her brain that was telling her to breathe. Because trust me, if that girl got the CHANCE to fight, she would still be here. Through all of this, we had to make the decision if she was going to donate her organs. Can you imagine? We find out Livi’s dead and then we get asked if they can dissect her body. The only thing getting me through the Gift of Hope situation, is that I know Livi would have wanted it. Except, I don’t see good in this like all people do. Everyone tells me just think, someone gets the chance to live because of Livi. Honestly, I can’t stress this enough that I couldn’t care less that someone gets a chance ONLY because Livi is dead. That’s a horrible way to look at it. When I think of Gift of Hope, I think of my sister being in a room all alone, having no idea what’s about to happen to her. I picture her getting her chest cut into, and them ripping her actual heart out of her body. We donated her eyes too, so of course I picture them scooping her eyeballs out of their sockets like it’s nothing. I picture the blood everywhere and Livi’s just helpless. She has no say in anything. Honestly, how could you even do that to a person? I couldn’t do that to someone. You are literally dissecting a human being like it’s some science project…and that’s what I think of everyday. Over and over again, I just picture her body being cut open. Not something that I’ll ever get out of my head. As if that’s not bad enough, I had to see my 17 year old sister lay in that casket. Where she will be forever. I saw her cold, no breath. Her chest no longer rising up and down how it should be. I touch her hands. She’s so cold. I can feel how she felt on my fingertips. It only gets worse. Now every time I get to see her, she’s buried 6 feet deep into the ground, with dirt just thrown on top of her. Just another body put into the ground, like it’s nothing. That’s how I get to see my sister from now on. Until I get to lay right next to her. If I’m being honest, there’s nothing that I look forward to besides that. What kind of life is that? Waking up every day and wanting your body to be in the ground. I never knew what it was like to want life to be completely over until now. I honestly don’t even know how I’m still breathing because I’m already dead inside.

So now here I am. Empty. Alone. Sad. Depressed. Angry. Upset. Those are the only emotions that I was left with. I will continue to feel this way until I’m in the ground next to her. There’s no “getting better” for me. My life is over no matter how many people try to tell me differently. Well guess what…is your name Ellie Sonetz? Let me answer that for you, no it’s not. Not one person, not even the closest people in my life, can even begin to grasp how I’m feeling or what my thoughts are. The thing is, not only do I want to stay this way, it’s also uncontrollable. There’s one Ellie Sonetz and there’s one Livi Sonetz. The guy who killed Livi didn’t take one person that day. He took two, myself included. I died the same day Livi died. The worst part is I’m already dead but I’m still breathing. When people who can’t relate try to talk to me about Livi and a loss is like a garbage man trying to perform brain surgery. It’s impossible. It just can’t be done. You can’t try to speak to someone about something you have no experience with. People don’t realize how insensitive they are when they try to talk to someone who has experienced loss. All the stupid questions and all of the stupid responses. So, in hopes that this could open peoples’ eyes a little, most of you don’t know what you’re talking about. This links back to if it doesn’t directly affect you, then yes, YOU are able to go on with your life. Which is normal, it’s just the type of world we all live in I guess. A very selfish one. It’s always every man for themselves. Not only did this directly affect me, it turned my whole world upside down. Nothing will ever be the same. I will never be the same. That’s something you just can’t explain to people so they understand, no matter how hard you try. It’s so easy for people to tell me that I have to Live for Livi and do all of the things that she could never do. But I don’t see it that way. I see myself sacrificing the rest of my life and not doing those things BECAUSE she can’t. Of course, that’s hard for people to understand and I’m sure for the rest of my life there will be those people trying to push me to do things. Let me try to put this into a perspective that those who haven’t lost can understand. You trying to tell me to basically change my belief on how I feel would be like a person trying to change my religion and what I believe in. But oh wait…that would be so wrong wouldn’t it? So, what’s the difference? I believe that I need to not to certain things because Livi isn’t able to. Nobody sees that side but me. I’m tired of explaining my feelings to people who will literally never get it. That’s why I choose to isolate myself so I won’t get as angry. That’s probably a good decision for myself and others. I consider myself to have a very good filter and I can let things go through one ear and out of the other. I’m done with that. Not in this situation. I will and always will openly express myself about this situation to anyone that I have to. If I lose people along the way, you were never truly there in the first place. I’m honestly perfectly okay with losing people. If I’m being honest, it doesn’t even phase me because I already lost everything I needed.

So, the next time you try to talk to me or anyone else that is going through the same struggle, try to stop and think about what you should say or if anything should even be said. I’m speaking for all of the people that don’t speak up for themselves that have lost someone. Because WE are all experiencing the worst that could happen to us. Majority of the people that try to talk about haven’t experienced the worst thing that could ever happen to them. So, of course you could never understand.