No Escape

I am hurting so bad isn't even remotely close to describing the pain I feel inside of my body. I hurt mentally and physically. All. Damn. Day. The only time I feel no pain is when I get the chance to sleep. I sleep whenever I can, so just for what feels like a split second, I don't feel any of this aching pain. It feels as if I'm carrying the weight of the world on my chest. It's hard to breathe. Hard to fake a laugh. Hard to fake a smile.

Today, for the first time in my life I have truly understood the reasoning behind addiction. I personally can't say I've been one to experience it, so I'm not able to explain those intrapersonal feelings. Although, I have finally understood the reasoning behind an addicts thoughts. The truth is, when you're suffering so badly, you would do ANYTHING, and I mean absolutely anything to just try to escape the pain even if it's only for a second. No matter what the reasoning is behind it. If you're suffering, you're suffering. The pain becomes so unbearable, you're at the point where you feel you have no other choice. It's either choose something to try to ease the pain for a little, or you choose to take your own life. Either way the reasoning is the same. To try to escape the pain. We always manifest sorrow to people that have chosen to take their own lives because of how much they were dealing with and because it's so permanent. But, not always do we express sorrow to those who have dealt with/are dealing with addiction. I will be the first to admit that I have once been there a few times, but only because I never understood. Which is normal to not understand someones thoughts of a situation that you've never been in. So, those who can't comprehend these emotions, choose to express judgement, confusion, negativity, resentfulness. But why? If they were to die, that's when people would be sorry. By then, it's too late. Too late for sympathy. Too late for listening ears. Too late for apologies. Why do we choose to be unsympathetic to a person who is only trying to help bear the pain? Not to end their own life. That's a hard time in a persons life when they can only tolerate support. Nothing more and nothing less. These people still get up everyday and are trying to fight for their lives the only way they can think how. In my eyes, I don't find the person weak. Obviously addictions aren't a healthy route. I know that and they know that. But there's not one person in this world that WANTS to be addicted to something. If they could choose to not be an addict, well of course they would. Like I said, not the healthiest route, but I do consider these people strong for at least TRYING to do something about fighting the pain and not choosing to end their own life.

I am also choosing the fight. Not to flee. I am trying so hard for all of the people that care about me, to keep myself breathing. I will definitely fight for my sister and I will most definitely fight for my brother. I'm not even close to a point in my life to fight for myself and I don't think I ever will. This is because every single day when I open my eyes, I am constantly wishing I could be laying in the ground, next to my beautiful sister. This thought won't change. For the rest of my life, I will never feel "at home" because my home is gone. My home lays right in that girls amazing heart. The heart that no longer beats. The heart that is no longer here on this Earth, where my home is at. I feel like a stray to this world. Looking around every corner like a walking zombie because I just don't know where to go, what to do, or what to say. I am beyond lost, trying to figure out the purpose of me still being here. Every time I just think back to my main reasoning. My brother. I think of that beautiful, innocent, precious young boy and I can see a little light through the darkness. He truly keeps me here above ground and I can't thank him enough for that. I love that boy more than anything in this whole world, but even the magnitude of love that I have for him, still keeps this huge hole in my heart. I consistently feel the emptiness taking over my whole body. An emptiness that only Livi can fill. Even typing that out makes me so angry because I think of all the people who have never been in this situation, trying to tell me that there will always be an empty spot in my heart that's for Livi and Livi only. No fucking shit. I'm tired of being reminded of the obvious and things that I already know.

Before Livi was killed, I had been and still dating a guy who had lost his dad around 8 years ago. We would talk about it from time to time and from the bottom of my heart it just hurt me knowing that he had to live with something so mortifying for the rest of his life. No father. Not a father to watch him grow, watch him succeed, watch him play sports, watch him graduate, to send him off to college, etc. He has not been physically here to experience anything with his son for the past 8 years. EIGHT YEARS. He's only 20 now and has a lifetime of events to yet experience without his father. I would try to talk to him, say all of the stupid things you try to say to someone in this situation that you have no idea about. Obviously, at the time I only meant well because I cared for him. I was not trying to upset or offend him in anyway. Although, now I know how much on the inside it did upset him because I just didn't know what I was talking about. I have sincerely apologized to him for it after experiencing my sisters death. Telling him I wish I could go back and punch my own self in the face for trying to express any emotion of thinking I knew what the hell I was talking about. I didn't know anything. Not even a fraction of it. That's exactly how I feel about people with no experience of a horrible situation like this. Someone tells me it's going to get better, but all that goes through my ears are "punch me in the face, punch me in the face, punch me in the face." But I haven't. Yet. I can't predict the future, just like the rest of the clueless can't predict that my future will get better. Not even the people that lost know exactly what I'm feeling, because at the end of the day...although a loss is a loss, every situation is different.