A Lost Soul

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my Nanny. No, not a nanny like a maid, I've been asked that a lot when I bring her up. She's our grandma, my mom's mom. I was venting about Livi, like usual, and she called me something that I thought kind of explained me perfectly. She was feeling sorry for me, just like everyone else. She said "oh, you're a lost little soul." That hit me in the heart because that is exactly what I am and have become. A very extreme lost soul.

I could honestly tell you I feel like everyday I'm gasping for air because I know Livi is as well. One of the saddest parts about this is I know no matter how hard life got for Livi, she would want to be here with us living her life to the fullest. Physically. Not "spiritually." I can't tell you how much that aggravates me when I'm talking to someone about Livi and they try to tell me she's here with me. Livi is OBVIOUSLY not here with me. If she was, I most definitely wouldn't be feeling how I'm feeling. I find it insensitive when people talk to me, they automatically bring up the God topic. I can honestly tell you right now, I don't believe in God. I'm not sure I ever will unless Livi could somehow tell me otherwise. When you really think about it, it's rather a little rude to assume and bring up God because everyone just suspects that everyone believes. Which is not the case at all. I could believe in a different religion, have different morals, different values, I could be an atheist. You just never know.

I believe that a lot of people that choose to have faith, is just a very desperate coping mechanism. Think about it. You're going through something horrible in your life and you're desperate for things to get better. You have no other choice but to lock those hands together, get on your knees and just pray. When I look at it, you're just talking to yourself with your hands together just hoping that something will change for the better. Then when something does change or people have good things going for them, they automatically thank God to make them feel better about themselves and look good to other people. When in reality, some of the best people I've ever met don't even go to church. Then some of the worst, most hypocritical people that I've met are the ones that go to church. Going to church doesn't make you an angel and not going to church or not believing doesn't make you the devil either. Before I experienced what it was like to lose someone forever, I just "sorta kind of" believed in God. I didn't know a lot and honestly didn't care enough to question much about it. I just went with it. I've experienced a lot of good things without saying a single prayer. I've experienced a lot of bad things as well without a single prayer. That's just life. Something happens, but the world still spins.

So of course, if I don't believe in God, I most definitely don't believe in any type of "God's plan." I'd like to believe that everything happens for reason. That there's a reason for the people that come in and out of our lives, the bad times and the good. Although, no matter what anyone in this lifetime tries to tell me, there is no way in Hell that God's plan was to have a guy go 71mph through an intersection, hitting my sister going 8mph. Hitting her with so much force that her head smacked the window so hard, that it damaged the part of her brain telling her to breathe. An amazing, bright, beautiful, young and healthy 17 year old girl. Tell me if "God" is so mighty and good, why would he plan that Livi had to die? For what? Then the guy that was in the wrong gets to live the rest of his life without any type of consequence. Could you answer that? No. Because there is no reason. Just like there is no reason for anyone else to die. So if there actually is a God, and I am completely off base, I can tell you I hate him from the bottom of my heart with everything I have inside of me. I will always hate him. I've always been the person that if you mess up with me once, there's no second chances. I don't believe in those. Because if you truly care about a person, you wouldn't even put yourself in a situation where you could mess up in the first place. If God is our "Heavenly Father" and we are all his children, why would he want me to suffer and be in this pain until the day I die? If that's the case and his "plan" was that Livi had to be killed, I look at him so cold-heartedly. I know Livi would as well if this were the other way around.

I so badly wish I would have asked Livi if something like this were to happen, what she would have done if it was me. I could give you an idea but I'm not for sure if she would actually do it. Just like the situation I'm in right now. Everyday I wake up and debate on killing myself. I've always thought suicide was the most selfish thing in the world no matter what you are going through. I still believe it is a horrible, selfish act and I'm still telling you I want to do it. I know it's selfish, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. I've taken a few baths recently to try to relax and have sat in there contemplating if I should slit my own wrists. I look at pill bottles and I uncontrollably wonder how many pills I would need to take to overdose. I looked at my wrists the other day debating on cutting just to feel something else. I've thought about asking or even paying someone to beat the shit out of me to feel a different type of pain. Every time I'm in a car, I look around and see all of these things I could easily run into so I could get in an accident. I see a tall bridge and look down, hoping it would be a hard enough impact to kill me if I jumped. I've thought about how I could somehow get my hands on a gun so I could blow my brains out. I've absolutely thought of it all. Uncontrollably. When I talk to the closest people in my life about these thoughts, I get the typical response "don't think like that," "don't say that," "Ellie don't do that." I know those are typical reactions that I would receive from a loved one and I know they mean well and they are just desperate to help me which I truly appreciate. Although, this is how I know that they don't understand, which I don't expect them to. You can't tell someone to just stop thinking about something, expecting it to actually work. These thoughts just pop up into my head without me even trying. I truly wish that I could be in the ground next to my sister and that's just how it is. Truth is, I'm unfixable and honestly people are just going to have to accept that. I definitely have the Sonetz stubbornness, and if you really knew Livi, you knew she had that stubbornness as well. Well that stubborn side of me is going to end up killing me. Even if I don't do it to myself. I keep having this dream that I get into a car accident and every damn time I wakeup and I first see my mom. I ask her if I'm alive and she tells me yes. Then every single time, I get extremely angry because of how much I wished that car accident would have killed me so I didn't have to do it to myself. I don't want to go out a quitter. I really don't because if you know me, you know I don't quit. I was born and raised a fighter somehow. So was Livi. I can't promise anyone I'm never going to kill myself because I can't honestly tell you that. I tell people most likely I won't. The top 3 reasons keeping me from doing it is mainly, my brother Will. He is my life saver. Second, I know Livi would be absolutely pissed with me that I did it and probably would give me the cold shoulder and not want to talk to me. Third, I'm honestly just to big of a pussy to do it to myself if I'm being honest. I don't know if that's some type of sign or something but I'm just too scared to do it right now. But, none of these reasons at all don't stop me from wishing everyday that I was dead. Even though I haven't killed myself, I can't stress to you enough how much I'd rather be in the ground.

Truth is, I can't be saved. The only person that could save me is Livi. I don't want anyone to ever think that they could have helped me, even in the smallest way. I don't mean that in a rude way to all the people that care about me, I'm just being honest. There's no person or no thing that will ever cause me to be even remotely okay again. At this point, I just wake up everyday and hope my time is coming soon, so I can be exactly where I want to be. With my sister.