4 Months

I knew this day was coming. Unfortunately. I’ve been thinking about it since...when it turned 3 months. I keep wondering if it could possibly be a dream or I guess a horrible nightmare. Every day is the same. Brutal, mortifying, devastating, heartbroken days. The only thing that changes is every day gets worse and worse. 

I’m not going to lie this day makes me want to go bang my head against a car window enough times so it can damage the part of my brain telling me not to breathe. Not that I haven’t had this thought any other day but especially today. But I won’t do it. My heart aches for her. Every day I think about it more deeply and just realize more and more of what’s been taken away from me. First of all my person. The one person I need in this life with me. She will never be able to breathe another word to me again. Ever. Until I take my last breath. I’ve lost my best friend and more importantly my sister. My soul sister too. She was everything I ever needed and more. If someone ever asked you the question...”If you could pick one person in the world, who would you want standing by your side when all your dreams come true?” Then just try to imagine that person all of a sudden disappearing. If they’re your child, you can never watch them grow. If they’re your sibling, you can never experience all the things you were suppose to do with one another. If they’re your friend, you will never be able to hangout with them ever again. If they’re your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, you will never be able to kiss them again. Then just picture that person that you want there for you in every part of your life, the good and the bad, is all of a sudden just gone. Well that person for me is my sister. My go-to person. Now tell me, if you really try to imagine, you really couldn’t tell me you wouldn’t be having any of these bad thoughts or think you would never be okay again if you lost your go-to? I mean seriously. Think about it. That’s not something you can just find. It’s so rare to find a person like how Livi was for me.

It gets incredibly annoying sometimes when people try to encourage me to do things like I can just snap my fingers and get up and do it. Most mornings it’s hard for me to literally just get out of bed. The smallest tasks become so difficult. Getting dressed, taking a shower, washing my face, eating, etc. I’m not only mentally sick, I’m physically sick. I started at probably around 137lbs and now I weigh 128lbs. I can promise you I do eat when I’m hungry, but the stress is eating at me more. If you were to just take a look at me, you could tell I’m not well. I’ve always been pretty naturally muscular and I’ve completely lost it all. I literally have a thigh gap. I haven’t had that since I was a little kid, when it’s normal. This is killing me from the inside out and I am self-destructing more and more every single day. 

For these past 4 months, I’ve begged Livi and asked her so many times to show me or let me feel something I know is her. I ache for her to prove me wrong and that there’s actually a Heaven and something after this life. I have received absolutely nothing. Then I see all of these people, even people Livi wasn’t too close with, try to say or tell me that they saw something and instantly knew it was Livi. Sorry to break it to you, but if she’s watching how bad I am truly struggling and hasn’t given me anything, I can promise you that nobody else has ACTUALLY received a sign from Livi either. It’s just not real. In reality, it’s just a coincidence that people WANT to believe is her so they can feel she is still with us. But she’s not. I personally think it’s a weak coping mechanism, because you’re tricking yourself into believing something that’s not even happening. A dead person does not control a song on the radio. A dead person doesn’t control what happens in the sky. A dead person doesn’t control that there’s a rose on all of these things we see in stores. A dead person has no control over anything because they are just dead. Period, end of story. If she was really watching, she would have gone to any length and measure to show me something when I asked if she could. She would do anything in the world for me. If something was possible for her, she would make it happen. I hate being such a realist in this situation, but it’s the cold hearted truth. I only want the truth, not the crap that everyone just believes and chooses to have “faith” so they can keep going on with their life. I want answers and I want it to be the God damn facts, not the bullshit. Livi is gone forever. There is nothing left behind but her clothes, phone and an empty room in this house without Livi inside of it. And my empty heart that only Livi can fill.