Fronting

I feel cheated. I feel scammed. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. Livi was cheated. Livi was scammed. Livi was betrayed. Livi was lost. We have no choice being brought into this world and we have no choice being taken out. Except the many people who have felt so low, they felt they had no other choice but to take themselves out. I never understood it until I got my own look at this feeling of what being this low is like. Which now that I think about it, OF COURSE, I could have never understood because I can't walk in anyones shoes but my own. As much as you can try to understand a situation you've never been in, you can never truly comprehend it because you have to experience the feelings on the inside of what these situations can do to you emotionally.

As I am ALWAYS feeling this depression on the inside, my emotions don't always show on the outside. I think one of our society's biggest problems is "judging a book by its cover." In other words, whatever people see through their eyes is their version of the truth. A big example that a lot of people in this generation can relate to is social media. Social media is one of the biggest ways to 'front' who you are as a person. When I say front, I mean you can look/do whatever you want to make people perceive you as something that you are not. Let me give you a few examples. Girls post pictures of themselves, but there's this thing called editing, to make yourself look better to other people on social media. People like to "flex their money" on social media, making it appear that they are "rich" to others, when in reality, they could be drowning in a bunch of debt. People like to post pictures of themselves having fun, when in reality they could be the saddest person in the world. People can make posts that they are sad, when truly some are just attention seeking. People can post all of these new expensive materialistic things to make it seem they are doing well, when in reality they are struggling to pay it off.

There's this thing called "fake it till you make it." I guess you could say this is the route that I am trying to take. My point of saying all of this was, you can't perceive someones well-being by what you see on social media or even just how someone may appear to you in person. Especially because you can put whatever you want on the internet making it seem that you are "living your best life" or if you saw someone smiling in person, people jump to conclusion that you are happy. In cases some are, in other cases some are feeling the exact opposite of happiness on the inside. For example, in my current situation, I could post things that make it look like I'm having a good time, when on the inside I'm dying. I could happen to be with a few friends and have a laugh, when on the inside I'm dying. But people can only comprehend what I portray to them. This goes back to "judging a book by its cover." I've heard word through the grapevine that people are assuming that I'm getting better. Whatever the hell that means. I'm guessing if people see me laugh, they automatically jump to conclusion I'm improving. If people see that I'm out doing something else besides laying depressed in my bed all day, they think I'm improving. I'm not. I will continue to say that my emotions are only worsening.

I tried to play softball again yesterday for the first time since Livi was killed. If you don't personally know Livi or I, that was one of our favorite things to do together. People took that as I'm moving forward and taking a huge step on this horrible journey. In REALITY, after I talked with the medium, she told me to try to open my mind to help me connect and feel my sister is with me. I was so desperate, I needed to try it to see if I could somehow feel my sister. It didn't work. But you would have never known that if you didn't ask me or if I didn't tell you. That's another one of society's biggest problems. Assuming. You will never get the truth about something by having an assumption. You get the truth by letting a person explain how they are feeling. It definitely depends on the person when they ask me how I'm doing. My usual response is "alright" to people I don't want to have a sympathy conversation with or just honestly don't want to talk about my problems with that person. When in all honesty, I'm not even remotely close to even 'alright.' To some people I'm closer to, I respond with "well I'm still breathing." That's as mortifying I can make it seem to people when they truly try to ask how I'm doing. So, basically when I say that, I mean I haven't got to the point where I've killed myself...obviously. I will not "front" about this situation. I will grieve how I want to grieve. I don't sugarcoat anything about my sisters death. It's definitely something that can't or shouldn't be sugar coated because this is as upsetting as it can get. I will only continue to fake it so I CAN make it. I will not front to make it seem like I'm doing better than I am. If you really want to know an answer to a question, all you have to do is ask. I am an open book about my sisters death, especially if it could lead to helping out another person.