Insomnia

A lot of people have asked me questions about my sleep. So here’s my honest answer. I can't sleep. Unless I use “marijuana.” I can't sleep. Unless I take pills. Prescribed pills only, before you get ahead of yourself. I take Alprazolam for my panic/anxiety attacks, to help my body to relax, to calm me down, etc. I personally don't think it does the greatest job that it potentially could, but it does help calm my body a little. Not my brain, of course. Unfortunately my brain will never calm down, unless Livi decides to "rise from the dead." Which also, unfortunately, isn't going to happen either. I know I need a higher dose, or a different type of pill to help fulfill it's potential. My doctor won't do it.

A few months ago, a little after the accident, I went back into counseling. I say went back because I have already gone before this during my parents divorce with my brother and sister. I don't know how much I want to talk about that yet or what I even want to say, but if you don't know me or don't know all of the details, I find it relevant to bring it up so it can be known. Because of course, sometimes, a divorce can be a whole other "trauma" within itself. To be honest with you, it never once impacted my emotions in a negative way. I was always the optimist, looked for the 'positive side' type of person. I remember saying to my mom exactly with these words, "It's not the worst thing that can happen in the world. Yeah it sucks, but people get divorced all of the time (unfortunately). We are all healthy and we are all still alive." But now...we are not all healthy and we are not all still alive. Typing those words out and even just the thought of it is about the equivalent to getting my heart stabbed.

Once I was back in counseling, I had talked to her about how I for sure had to have PTSD. I had learned a lot about it in school, movies, etc., and felt I was informed enough to know that I have it. When I brought it up, she had a book in her office that has all sorts of disorders with a checklist next to all of the symptoms along with each disorder. Then she proceeded to the PTSD checklist. I basically had checked that I have everything in each criteria. She had informed me of the difference between acute and chronic PTSD. Acute PTSD is when you have these symptoms for 3 months or less. Chronic PTSD is if these symptoms continue longer than 3 months. Then I informed her that I already know that I will have PTSD for the rest of my life. Then here we are. Almost 5 months later. Symptoms only worsening. I had told my counselor that I had been smoking weed as it’s the ONLY way I can relax my body just enough so that I can get some sleep. If I don’t have it, I don’t go to sleep. If I don’t have it, I hardly have any appetite. Sometimes I can go days without eating hardly anything. Maybe a banana and a few crackers at most. Usually the thought of food or eating makes me want to throw up. But I told my counselor about all of these things and she informed me that PTSD is the only mental health issue in Illinois that will allow you to get a medical marijuana card. Which is exactly what I am doing. I told her if I’m going to do it, I might as well do it legally so I’m not constantly paranoid about getting pulled over while having it in my car, when it’s truly something I need. TO SLEEP AND TO EAT. How sad it that? I can’t even relax my body enough to go to sleep because I am so constantly anxious. I’ve told a few people that I’m getting a medical marijuana card for my PTSD. Some usual responses are “that’s lucky” or something around that general idea. But no...I am far from lucky. I’m not lucky that I have the requirements to get a medical card. I would give up this “privilege” within a second to bring my sister back to life.